The Bowel Movements Conversation

Honestly, I'm getting pretty sick of India. It seems, a lot of the people I meet here feel the same - apart from all the hippy nuts and berries religion tourists that is.
Seriously, what is up with these people?
They come from all over the affluent parts of the globe, Europe, Australia, the US or wherever, and their itinerary will always include 'finding' themselves.
At home they wander around in suits, or jeans, or skirts, or what ever happens to be 'in'. At home they probably have no real interest in religion - Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism or any other ism you care to mention, but drop them in India and everything changes.

They do things like locking themselves in yogic retreats for 11 day stretches, places where you are not allowed to speak, listen to music, smoke, drink anything but water, or eat anything but dahl, rice and curd. They live in Ashrams for a week or two, a kind of one stop spiritual enema shop. They buy crystals, man. They wear Indian sadu clothing, or maybe novice monk robes. They may even shave their head.

They spout such bollocks as:
"Yeah man, its so spiritual, you know, you really get to know yourself. My chakras are glowing man, can you feel the energy? No? Hold this crystal, it will channel the energy to you man."
FlashPacker Translation:
"I paid a fortune to do something I could have easily done at home. In fact I could have done it anywhere! No special equipment required, all I have to do is do the world a favour and shut the f%$k up for 11 days and sit on my arse. I really am a dumb wanker, please kick me repeatedly in the head"

And:
"Yeah man, I'm so centered now. I've dealt with all this stuff. Thing is I didn't even know that it was bothering me until I went, but now man, I'm just so centered"
FlashPacker Translation:
"I got stung by a business baba, a money guru, a rupee sadu. He drew me in with a line like, 'I can feel from your aura that you have had a lot of hardship in your past, let me help you heal yourself. I feel that maybe you have had some unhappiness in your family'. Of course I've had hardships in your past - everyone has, but at least I don't have the hardship of carrying a heavy wallet around with me now."

And my favourite (this only comes from the females):
"Like wow, like, you know, my guru says that I am really in touch with my self. He says, like, I'm already a level 3, which is like amazing, because, like all the men starting were only level 1. He says that with a little personal tuition I could reach a level 4, or maybe even a level 5! He says that the quickest path to enlightenment is via tantra. We start a week long intensive tantra course tomorrow"
FlashPacker Translation:
"My guru says that he really wants to touch me, and I'm so vacuous that I buy into all his crap. This is what is known as being Royally F$#ked, as not only with I leave with a much lighter wallet, buy I might even get a few freebies. I hear that Ghonorea and Warts are on special this month. I might even win the grand prize - A Brand New Baby."


I say to you all: if you like it so much, why don't you give up your previous nationality? Marry an Indian? Stay forever?....... What's that? Oh, you'd miss your Playstation too much? Oh what a shame. You never know though, maybe Sony will release a "Yogic retreat: the mega crystal tantra odyssey" game, then you'll be set.

No please, I'm serious, stay forever. We don't want you and your patchuli stench around us.

And for anyone who hasn't been to India, I'm dead serious. People like this really do exist. They exist in droves.


Anyway, back to the title of this post. The Bowl Movements Conversation. Whenever travelers meet in India they inevitably get round to this conversation sooner or later: "Have you been sick much?" or something similar. This is because pretty much everyone gets sick at some point, or more likely at multiple points (unless of course, you're hippy nuts and berries patuli wearing chakra kid - then your crystal will protect you, and if you do get the squirts, this is just your crystal expunging your bad energy).
Why do all the travelers always get sick in India?
Well in a word, its because India is filthy, and understand me here, I don't mean just your run of the mill filthy, I mean FILTHY. There is more concentrated filth here than in New Scotland Yard. I honestly think it is the most filthy place in the world, if not the entire universe.
I saw a bin here the other day. I almost had a heart attack. It was empty though. I think the locals must have thought it was some wired new fangled art installation or something.
If you catch a train anywhere, you will notice that there aren't many bins on board. Indians prefer to just throw all their rubbish out of the window. The few bins that exist (one per carriage), are bottomless! The bottom of the bin is open. You put rubbish in the top, and it pushes the rubbish out of the bottom and onto the tracks.
The toilets on the train are pretty much the same as the bins. Straight onto the tracks. Amusingly, there is a sign in the toilet reading "Please try to not use at stations". Not "Do not, under any circumstances, use at stations". But then again why should it. It is perfectly acceptable to just drop your pants and take a crap pretty much anywhere you feel like here.

this is why people get sick when they visit India. You are touching, inhaling and ingesting concentrated human filth every second of the day, so if you do come, make sure you bring some crystals with you.